


Incident Report

by HopefulNebula



Category: Eureka
Genre: Between Episodes, Gen, Humor, POV First Person, Yuletide, multiple POVs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-18
Updated: 2009-12-18
Packaged: 2017-10-04 12:37:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopefulNebula/pseuds/HopefulNebula
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Excerpts from the debriefings of Jack, Jo, Zane and Allison after they tackle The Plant That Almost Ate Eureka. Takes place sometime in early season 3.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Incident Report

**Author's Note:**

  * For [douxquemiel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/douxquemiel/gifts).



_Jack_

Calls like these always come in when you don't want them. Like at three in the morning, or when your team is about to tie the game up, or when you finally manage to convince your crazy, vindictive, passive-aggressive house that humans prefer to shower with water that isn't freezing.

Anyway, the call came in while I was asleep. S.A.R.A.H. woke me up and patched the audio through so I could put some pants on.

_Jo_

I was at Zane's apartment when the 911 call came in. Doctor Blake called his cell phone while I was putting my boots on, and we had to go to the same place, so I drove both of us there.

_Zane_

Girard's lab has got to be the farthest thing in Eureka from my apartment. But hey, it meant I could go for a ride with Jo, so it wasn't the worst way I could have spent my Saturday night.

Everything else kind of sucked, though.

We picked up a box of masks along the way - Doctor Blake had been very specific about that - and reached the outskirts of the lab around 3:15.

_Allison_

Doctor Girard had only been able to salvage two masks from his lab before he was forced out, and he was wearing one of them when I arrived. Sheriff Carter was already there, and he offered me the mask he was wearing. The air was still breathable where we were, and we'd have to wait here for the others anyway, so I declined. We couldn't get any closer without all of us wearing masks and Carter wouldn't let me stay alone, so Girard briefed us as well as he could while we waited for Jo and Zane.

He had been working on various plant growth enhancers, with the goal of eliminating world hunger. Well, he'd certainly created the hardiest plant in the world. And he'd estimated that if we had allowed it to be exposed to sunlight, its growth rate would have tripled.

_Jack_

You scientists have a really macabre sense of humor, you know that, right? I mean, naming plants is weird as hell anyway. I guess it makes sense to have named that one, but did he have to name it Audrey? After the man-eating plant from _Little Shop of Horrors_? Seriously! Has no one in this town heard the term "self-fulfilling prophecy?"

_Jo_

By the time we got to the lab, there were enough chemicals and pollen in the air that I was glad we had put our masks on in the car. Carter, Blake and Girard were all waiting for us, and they filled us in on the way in.

The thing was massive. There were vines growing out the windows of the building, and it had broken holes in the roof. I could see it even from the edge of the property. Its buds were each the length of my arm. Some of the roots had even broken through the walls. At the rate it was growing, it would have reached the stream in less than an hour, and God only knows what it would have done then. We'd probably all be eating Audrey salads at Café Diem for the rest of our lives. Or worse, Audrey would be eating Eureka burgers.

If anything poses that much of a threat to Eureka, I'm going to worry about the town first and the research second.

_Zane_

I can't say I didn't sign up for this, can I? I mean, yeah, I have a knack for the really freaky things that go on in this town, but I'm a particle physicist. Plants aren't my field of study. I guess with all the cutbacks, everybody's doing double duty, though.

The goo gun was Jo's idea. She'd wanted to use the thing in the real world for years, and she was certain it could stop this. Plus, it meant we could go racing across town at ungodly speeds in the middle of the night in order to get it before Audrey developed a taste for flesh.

_Allison_

Jo didn't waste much time explaining what she was doing. She just told us she would be back shortly, and to keep the plant contained until then. Zane went with her; in situations like these, we've found it's best to avoid going anywhere alone if you can help it.

I had considered asking them to bring back a machete or five, but I doubted that the plant would have taken well to us hacking its limbs off one by one. Turns out I made the right choice.

I highly doubt the plant was intelligent, let alone self-aware, but it certainly responded to its environment. So when Doctor Girard got impatient and decided to take the chainsaw he'd managed to grab from storage to its roots, Sheriff Carter and I both tried to stop him. Carter knocked him down a few times, but wasn't able to keep him immobilized.

Oh, that reminds me: at the next meeting, we should talk about requiring GD security personnel to carry non-lethal weapons as well as their normal firearms.

_Jack_

Of _course_ I knew he'd probably just make the thing angry. Why do you think I tried to stop him?

...What, you'd have wanted me to shoot him? Then there'd _definitely_ have been blood, and we'd have had an injured scientist to deal with on top of everything. Once that chainsaw started running, I stepped back.

Girard didn't get very far before the thing caught him. It grabbed him by the ankles, picked him up and held him twenty feet up. At least he had the presence of mind to throw the chainsaw away from everything.

_Jo_

We picked up the goo gun - the carbon nanotube anti-personnel weapon Doctor Stark had used when Fargo was trapped in the MACAA device - from the rack in the sheriff's office. By the time we got back, Doctor Girard was hanging by one ankle above what was left of his lab.

You know what the problem with this town is? Nobody trusts me. I knew what I was doing with that gun. Just because I don't have twenty Ph.D's doesn't make me stupid. But it took me twice as long as it should have to explain what I was going to do, because Carter and Blake kept telling me that no matter what my plan was, it was stupid.

Well, it _wasn't_.

We didn't have time to go back to the rack. What else could we have gotten, anyway?

_Zane_

Have I mentioned how brilliant Jo is when it comes to things like this? Because she is. She has this way of pushing everything that doesn't matter aside and focusing on doing what needs to be done.

The plan had been to cover the plant in as much goo as we could. Jo decided to stick to the plan, but be much more precise about it.

Once we finally got everybody to actually listen to Jo and agree to the new plan, she didn't waste any time.

_Allison_

For what it's worth, I didn't think her plan was stupid. We'd witnessed one misguided attempt at heroics already, and I didn't want to see anybody get more hurt than they already were. Once she explained the full extent of the plan - and that the plan involved saving Doctor Girard - I was more willing to go along with it. We could easily have made Jo go back and get flamethrowers, but burning the plant would likely have killed the doctor.

You've asked before why we pay our law enforcement so much, and why they have such high qualifications? This is why.

Using controlled shots from the goo gun, Deputy Lupo created a solid perimeter around the plant's exposed roots. Once it solidified and we were certain the plant couldn't break out of it, she started shooting all around the lab.

_Jack_

Seriously, Jo needs a raise. After all the crap I gave her about her idea being too risky when I hadn't even listened to the whole thing yet, it's the least she deserves.

I mean, if anyone could build an isolated landing pad using a crowd control device, she could. And she did. Girard wasn't too pleased about losing his experiment - I think all the blood rushing to his brain might have been doing some of the talking there - but he got quiet when she reminded him that he wasn't exactly in a position to complain.

_Jo_

I got the foam built up to about six inches below Girard's fingers. I'd have liked to have gotten it closer, to make sure he wouldn't break his neck when he landed, but the goo gun's portion control isn't quite that refined.

I kept shooting around him until the only tentacle left exposed was the one holding Dr. Girard. Then all we had to do was cut him down.

_Zane_

Jo wanted to do the final honors too, but it's always been my dream to slay a tentacle monster, and this was the closest I'd ever get to fulfilling that dream, so I convinced her to hand the chainsaw over to me.

What they don't tell you in the brochure is that the goo that gun fires is slicker than it looks. It was easy enough to carry the saw up, though. That week I spent rock climbing at summer camp finally paid off.

Cutting the tentacle off was easy, too. If the plant hadn't been mobile, I bet we could have just cut through its base.

_Allison_

Doctor Girard landed safely, but he passed out as soon as his feet touched goo. He'd been held upside-down for nearly an hour at this point, so I was expecting something like this.

_Jack_

Allison sent me to help Zane fetch Doctor Girard when he passed out, since - well, you've seen Doctor Girard. He's too big for Zane to lift easily. She would have gone up herself to check on him, but we decided it would be easier for everyone just to bring him down. There wasn't a whole lot of room up there.

It wasn't like he could hold onto either of us, and it was a pretty steep climb up in places, so I decided the best option was to hold him in front of me and slide down. At least that part went well.

_Jo_

You'd think that a genius like Zane would have noticed the stuff oozing out of where he'd cut the plant. But _noooo_, of course he didn't.

When I get out of here, I'm going to break some more of his bones for being such an idiot.

_Zane_

Have I mentioned how glad I am that I'd turned the chainsaw off and set it down before slipping on that puddle? Because I really, really am.

_Allison_

Zane sprained his left wrist trying to break his fall. He used his arms to protect his head and neck, but still managed to break a rib, bruise four others, and mildly dislocate his right shoulder on the way down.

_Jack_

I didn't see much of what happened with Zane - I was busy making sure Doctor Girard was all right.

...What? I'm a U.S. Marshal and the sheriff of the craziest town in the history of the universe, and you don't expect me to know first aid? He was just opening his eyes when I heard Jo and Allison running toward the giant pile of dried goo.

_Jo_

Doctor Blake and I reached Zane before he hit the ground, but we couldn't get a very good hold on him. I got his right arm, and Doctor Blake was there a second later. It was that time difference that dislocated his shoulder.

_Zane_

I was too busy trying to make sure I landed on my feet to feel my shoulder. The ribs were worse anyway. I hadn't broken a bone since I was ten. Kind of weird that this is the first major injury I've had since coming here. You'd think it would have been sooner.

_Allison_

Zane told us about his wrist and his ribs, but was too busy with the ribs for him to notice the shoulder until he tried to move it. Doctor Girard had regained consciousness at this point, so we called for Carter to bring the first aid kit over.

_Jack_

Doctor Girard was fine - at least as far as I could tell - and we both wanted to check on Zane, so I saw no reason to make him stay where he was. Allison wanted to tape up Zane's ribs, but he had trouble lifting his right arm. That's how we all found out about his shoulder.

_Jo_

Of course I apologized to Zane. I'm the one who dislocated his shoulder. Probably.

Doctor Blake diagnosed it pretty easily once she saw it. It wasn't severe - I've seen worse - but it was obvious once you knew to look.

_Zane_

It's funny how pain works. I didn't feel the shoulder at all until I tried to move it. Then all I wanted was to get it back where it was supposed to be, because once it decided to hurt, it _hurt_ like you wouldn't believe. Doctor Blake wanted to just put it in a sling until we could get to the infirmary, but there was no way I was going anywhere until that thing got fixed.

Jo wanted to set it. She even started to get me in position, because she was on my right. "I'm the one who broke it, so I should be the one to fix it," she said. Which makes sense, I guess, and if we were out playing paintball or something I'd totally agree, but we had an M.D. _right there_.

_Allison_

I'd wanted to take Zane to the infirmary first, but he had decided he wasn't moving. Since it was a mild anterior dislocation and I was there anyway, I saw no point in pressing the matter.

I gave Zane some of the painkillers from the first aid kit Carter had brought over from his jeep, and once they kicked in, I had him lie down on the grass. Deputy Lupo stayed on his left side to keep him steady.

I'd warned him it would hurt. The trouble is, I don't think he could have imagined worse pain right then.

_Jack_

I've never set a shoulder before, and Jo pretty desperately wanted to help, so I stayed back and watched.

That was the best decision I'd made all day.

_Jo_

You see this? That part's not my fault. And I'll file a formal complaint if you make me pay for the ice.

_Zane_

I really didn't mean to give Jo that black eye. When my shoulder reset, I had this moment of blinding pain - you know how you feel it and you don't have any control for a second? It was like that. They still had both my arms so I couldn't move much, but I tucked my chin up. Doctor Blake had her head out of the way to do her work, but Jo had been right in my face.

_Allison_

So, Ms. Thorne, do you still think our medical expenses are "overblown" and "can't be real?"


End file.
